American Bar Transformed Into Brothel For United Nations' Troops
Reported January 12, 1997
After seeing some major changes in Tony's On The Hill (one of my local bars), I began to think that it might have been infiltrated by United Nations' forces. It really made me wonder, when I saw a black helicopter hovering above it one afternoon [see picture].
I decided to investigate the bar more closely after seeing the black helicopter. I recruited a fellow-patriot and we formulated a plan. First, we decided to dress in a high-fashion, international style of clothing [click here to see attached picture] that we thought would blend in well. We then watched a bunch of foreign-type films, so we would understand the way non-Americans interacted. I also purchased some European travel books to help us get their eating and drinking preferences.
When we got to Tony's, there were a couple of big, Eastern-European looking guys at the door. They motioned to us to get out our IDs. Thinking fast and utilizing my liberal arts course work, I replied with a "no hablo American". They smiled and greeted us like we were all long-lost brothers. They attached green-neon wristbands to our wrists and motioned us into the club.
My first impression was that the place had been totally transformed into a second-rate, Mongolian disco. Unusual, techno-pop music blasted the place. Strobe and laser lights shot back and forth, and smoke filled the dance floor. Most of the staff members were new and looked like ex-KGB agents. I tried talking to them, but they didn't seem to understand my English.
There were way more girls than usual and they were all dressed in the "wanna-be-grunge" clothing that you can find in the mall stores like The Buckle. A lot of them were wearing unusual, back-mounted purses. Some of the international-looking guys were working these girls pretty hard. I overhead a couple of the guys promising the girls huge tracts of lands after the "liberation".
At 2AM the staff ushered all of the American-looking guys (ones without the wristbands) and uncooperative girls out of the bar. We hung out and tried to fit in with the remaining people. They locked the doors behind the last of the Americans, and that is when all hell broke loose. A large banner came down from the ceiling the United Nations' flag! The men all pulled out guns from under the tables and fired them into the air. Everyone was chanting and waving what appeared to be UN division standards.
Then some intense, tecno-style song started playing loudly and everyone started dancing wildly around. I think it was some kind of United Nations' anthem, because I kept hearing the word "Boutros" over and over. We had to fit in by dancing to their techno anthem. Evidentially, we looked like the rest, because they seemed to accept us. In fact, a couple of the guys asked us to meet them back there after the "operation".
When we were heading for the door I saw something on the floor and picked it up [click here to see attached picture]. We examined it at home when we got back and it appears to be a invitation for United Nations personnel to come to Tony's.
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