Something Screwy In Rewey!

Reported September 8, 1998
Rewey, Wisconsin USA

Picture of me curling over at de arena up der in Osseo fer thursday men's league.

And I don't mean funny HA HA, neither!

Lemmetellya, late yesterday afternoon a black convoy of vehicles pulls into town. Ders motorcycles and BMWs and a big stretch limo here.

Now Ole Svenson says he saw a ZEPPELIN fercrysake over by de park - the First Capitol state park, eh? And Sven Oleson says dot Highway G was blocked off by hummers. CRY-EYE! What was dis, an invasion? Well, you'd have to be a Grade-A mooncalf not to tink it wasn't!

So, we are in de bar here at Jonny V's when dis all happens. Now, I gottatellya, Thursday night is Roast Pork night here, and its even more popular den de Friday night Fish Fry, donchaknow. See I always figured dat de reason dat de Moslems can't eat de Pork is because it is just too seductive of a meat, eh? So anyway, Jonny V's is almost as good as de Norske Nook up der in Osseo. Sure, sure de Nook's got de better pies, but boy I tell ya, Jonny has got dat Pork nailed down! I says to Sven "Hey geez, wheredya go then, ya dildock? Gimme my beer! Okay, our necessary shots and beers are here now."

So den, we are taking in de necessary shots and beers at Jonny V's. Sven says to me "Cry, de circus is in town", and he's right because all dese ladies are piling out of de black vehicles on Main street, but dey don't look like ladies. East German Olympic Swim Team, eh? Mongolian wrestlers, eh? Dey are all in form-fitting black leather outfits and carrying AK-47s. "Okay," I say, "NOT a bulldyke picnic outing from Milwaukee". "Okay," says Ole, "and here's de Ringmaster", and HE's right because a pale little guy gets out of de stretch limo. Dis guy is sporting a Beatles haircut and a vandyke, and he is dressed in - I guess - Black Latex. "He looks like Satan stuffed in a rubber, eh?" says Jonny, "Oh geez, I hope dats not de Doctor feller who reserved de big booth tonight!", but it is.

Sven says to me "Cry, de circus is in town", and he's right because all dese ladies are piling out of de black vehicles on Main street

Dis guy comes in with a fetching young lady in a calico dress and she is a looker no more than 50ish - still a breeder up in dese parts. Waitress Annie seats dem and gets de drinks. "Geez, did you see de size of de Schwantz on de little guy?", she says and I say "How can you not?"

So, now we are done with de necessities and are ready for de optional shots and beers and in comes a skinny as a stick but good looking youngster wid his hands up in de air. "He looks like one of de Kemnitzer boys from Platteville, " says Ole, "Steve or Mike". "Hello der, Mike Kemnitzer" says Jonny who knows just about everyone in de state. Dis Mike Kemnitzer nods and walks up to de Ringmaster of de Bulldyke Circus and says "Hey, Hands" who den gives a kind of German cheer "hons,Hons,HONS" back to Mike.

So, now we know de little guy's name is Dr. Hands and we will be laughing and joking about dot fer de rest of de evening. Well now, dey order supper and waitress Annie comes up to me and says, "Dey ordered de pork tenderloin specials. Double Portions". "DOUBLE PORTIONS!", I cry. Cry! When I was a youngster I could barely finish a plate! Well!

Okay, now dey have our interest, eh? Okay, so now Dr. Hands is talking about pancakes to Mike while dey are waiting for de grub. See, I like pancakes too with maple syrup and a stick of butter, but I tink de Doc is going a bit overboard here. So finally Mike says "Yeah, I like pancakes", and dey order more drinks. Well, lemmetellya, now de Doc is talking about waffles, and dis goes on for quite a while with Mike saying "Yeah, I like waffles" from time to time, eh?

But den de conversation ends because de grub has arrived. So now, the sweetheart in calico has ordered just a salad and de rest of de table is devoted to de tenderloin dinners. Mike sets de pace, but you got to watch out for dose skinny guys, donchaknow? Doc Hands, geez, he is packing it in just as fast! Dey go through de pork and de mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans and den dey do it again and den de pie and de coffee and de shots and de beers. Mike is slowing down and looking a might sluggish, but de Doc looks like he could go another round, eh? Okay so den de Doc says something dot makes our ears perk up, he says to Mike, "I will pay you tree million dollars a year to make me pancakes. I want you to think about that while I go peepers". Well now, Mike K says "Hurry up, cause I gotta take a shit", and dis seems to fluster de Doc, or perhaps its all de drinks, because he hustles off to de restroom.

Okay, so right about den we hear all sorts of gunplay outside, eh? So den, we don't get a chance to find what it is all about because de restroom door busts open and out comes a helpful farmhand carrying poor Doc Hands. He must have slipped in der, because he has a nasty knot on his noggin and he is out cold, eh? Okay, so he has also forgot to pull his pants up too! Well, oh my, his dingle is not a dangler, and we are all trying to be polite as hell and not laugh as de farmhand drags him back to de big booth.

But den, a big green banana falls out from his pants and waitress Annie grabs it and says "Hey Doc, you forgot your Schwantz!", and she sticks it between his buttocks! Geez, we can't be polite anymore, and Jonny says "Wait! We gotta have pictures of dis!" and he grabs his Polaroid and starts taking snaps. Well now, we are all having a grand time and Mike and de farmhand pick de Doc up and parade him around de joint like he was de Ricepoop Saint, eh? And now de Doc has woken up and he is laughing so hard he is crying.

Dey set him down by de front door and Mike says "Go ahead, Kenny!", and de Kenny feller boots de Doc in de behind. Well, de Doc yells out "Himmel! Mein Prostate!" and hops out de door. So den Mike K shouts "Ol' Hands is payin fer everthing tonight folks!" Everyone in de joint is applauding and laughing and you need a mop and a bucket it was so funny!

Well now, a few minutes later, Mike and Kenny come back in. Sven and I shout, "Hey, where is de Doc we want to buy him a shot!" Mike says, "He disappeared". So de Doc must have been a Show Biz type, like one of dose Rock and Roll magicians, eh? Well, we got his polaroids up on de wall, right next to de ones from when de Ollie North Robot paid us a visit from Tommy Bartlett's Robot World. Funny. Ollie has a banana up his butt too!

Picture of waitress Annie on de left over at Jonny V's taking a break.

So the next morning, CRY, I got a Head Dat Feels De Size of a Melon! So ders only one cure fer dot! I am heading to McGee's Tavern and I see dat Foshee youngster from Texas we met in de bar last nite. He is groaning and trying to hide from de sun. He looks like a cowboy who has been riding a horse for too long, eh? I say to him "Well now, did you have a good time last night?" And so he says

"Yessir". So I go "It looks like you were victimized by waitress Annie, den?" "Yessir", he replies to me. "She will give you a good respect for the sturdy women up here, ya?" "I 'spect all my boys is respectin' her this mornin', sir" he says. I laugh and offer to buy him a hair of de dog, but he says thanks no, we have to head back down to Texas. So I wish him Godspeed and invite him up fer deer hunting in de fall and head in to McGee's.

Well now, we never did find out what all de gunplay was about, but de circus left town. Pretty soon a bunch of youngsters come in de joint yelling "DON MESS WITH TEXAS!" and whooping it up, eh? They are all covered in blood so we figured dey must have just come from de late tour of de slaughterhouse, eh? Okay, so one of these youngsters, a big raw-boned gap-toothed feller, seems to know Mike K and walks up to him and asks "Whars Hands?". Mike says "He disappeared", and de feller whose name we find out is Foshee says "Disappeared!?" and Mike says "Yeah. We wuz cartin him out an a big wind come up and he was yanked out of owr hands and disappeared!" So now we know Doc Hands was a magician. Jonny V wants to book him for New Year's Eve, so if anyone knows where de Doc can be reached the info would be welcome, donchaknow. So den later der wuz a good barfight between de Texans and de locals and a good time was had by all. That's about it, eh?

Elder Futhark
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